Zoolarious Animal Jokes for Kids Read online

  © 2012 by Robert E. Teigen

  Published by Revell

  a division of Baker Publishing Group

  P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

  www.revellbooks.com

  Ebook edition created 2012

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

  ISBN 978-1-4412-3827-6

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

  Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2007

  The poem “Ode to a Cricket” is used by permission.

  The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

  I’d like to dedicate this book to my three older brothers, Tim, Scott, and Mark. They are really great brothers and friends, and it was a lot of fun growing up with them (most of the time!).

  I’d also like to thank all of the kids who pick up and read Zoolarious Animal Jokes for Kids. Your smiles and laughter mean so much to the people who care about you, so keep up the good work!

  This book combines two of my favorite things: laughter and God’s creation. I hope you enjoy reading the book as much as I enjoyed putting it together!

  And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds—livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.

  Genesis 1:24-25

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Fun Jokes!

  About the Author

  Other Books By Author

  Back Ads

  Back Cover

  Fun Jokes!

  Q: Where do ants like to eat?

  A: At a restaur-ant.

  Q: What do alligators drink after they work out?

  A: Gator-ade.

  Q: What do a mouse and a wheel have in common?

  A: They both squeak.

  Q: What do frogs use so they can see better?

  A: Frog-lights.

  Q: Why can’t you trust a pig?

  A: It will always squeal on you.

  Q: What kind of dog cries the most?

  A: A Chi-wah-wah (Chihuahua).

  Q: Where do birds invest their money?

  A: In the stork market (stock market).

  Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a canary?

  A: Because they’re so cheep (cheap).

  Q: What happened to the bee after he had four cups of coffee?

  A: He got a buzz.

  Q: Why was the bird nervous after lunch?

  A: He had butterflies in his stomach.

  Q: What did the father buffalo say to his son as he left for school?

  A: “Bison (Bye, Son).”

  Q: Where did the bat go to get some money?

  A: The blood bank.

  Q: What kind of bear doesn’t have any teeth?

  A: A gummy bear.

  Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

  A: Spoiled milk.

  Q: A cowboy arrives at the ranch on a Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?

  A: His horse’s name is Friday.

  Q: How did the cow make some extra money?

  A: By mooooo-nlighting at another farm.

  Q: Why did the cow become an astronaut?

  A: So it could walk on the moooo-n.

  Q: What do cows like to eat?

  A: Smoooothies.

  Q: Why were the chickens so tired?

  A: They were working around the cluck.

  Q: What animals do you find in a monastery?

  A: Chip-monks!

  A duck walks into a store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says, “NO, we don’t sell grapes,” so the duck leaves the store. The next day the duck goes back to the same store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager is furious now and says, “NO, WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK IF WE SELL GRAPES AGAIN, I’LL GLUE YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR!” The next day the duck goes back to the same store and says to the manager, “Excuse me, do you sell glue at this store?” The manager says, “No, we don’t sell glue.” The duck replies, “That’s good. Do you sell grapes?”

  Joe: Did that dolphin splash you by accident?

  Bill: No, it was on porpoise!

  Q: Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

  A: If they lifted the other leg, they’d fall over.

  Q: Where did the toy giraffe go when it was broken?

  A: To get plastic surgery.

  Q: What do you give a pig that has a cold?

  A: Trough syrup!

  Q: Why did the porcupine get sent home from the party?

  A: He was popping all the balloons!

  Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a Christmas tree?

  A: A pork-u-pine.

  Q: What is a reptile’s favorite movie?

  A: The Lizard of Oz.

  Q: What did the spider do with its new car?

  A: It took it for a spin.

  Q: Where do shrimp go if they need money?

  A: The prawn shop.

  Q: Why did the snake lose his case in court?

  A: He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and a kitten?

  A: A purr-anha.

  Q: What kind of bull doesn’t have horns?

  A: A bullfrog.

  Q: How are fish and music the same?

  A: They both have scales.

  Q: Why did the skunk have to stay in bed and take its medicine?

  A: It was the doctor’s odors.

  Q: What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner?

  A: “Shall we prey?”

  Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

  A: Hailing taxi cabs.

  Q: Why are pigs so bad at football?

  A: They’re always hogging the ball.

  Q: What is a whale’s favorite game?

  A: Swallow the leader.

  Q: Why are fish so bad at basketball?

  A: They don’t like getting close to the net.

  Q: Where do dogs go if they lose their tails?

  A: The re-tail store.

  Q: What do you call a bear with no ears?

  A: B.

  Q: Why can’t you trust what a baby chick says?

  A: Talk is cheep.

  Q: What are the funniest fish at the aquarium?

  A: The clown fish.

  Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs zero pounds?

  A: An elephant’s shadow.

  Q: Why are horses always so negative?

  A: They say “neigh” (nay) to everything.

  Q: What is black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, splash?

  A: A penguin rolling down
an iceberg into the water.

  Q: What is the smartest animal?

  A: A snake, because no one can pull its leg.

  Two men went deer hunting. One man asked the other, “Did you ever hunt bear?” The other hunter said, “No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts.”

  Q: What is the best way to communicate with a fish?

  A: Drop it a line!

  Q: Why couldn’t the elephants go swimming at the pool?

  A: They were always losing their trunks.

  Q: Why did the robin go to the library?

  A: It was looking for bookworms.

  Q: What did the dog say when he rubbed sandpaper on his tail?

  A: “Ruff, ruff!”

  Q: What is black and white and red all over?

  A: A penguin that’s embarrassed.

  Q: What do you call a pig that is no fun to be around?

  A: A boar.

  Q: What kind of fish can perform surgery?

  A: Sturgeons.

  Q: What kind of sea creature hates all the others?

  A: A hermit crab.

  Q: Where can you go to see mummies of cows?

  A: The moo-seum of history.

  Q: What kind of seafood tastes great with peanut butter?

  A: Jellyfish.

  Q: What do cats like to put in their milk?

  A: Mice cubes.

  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

  A: Swimming trunks.

  Q: What do you do if your dog steals your spelling homework?

  A: Take the words right out of his mouth.

  Q: Why did the cat get detention at school?

  A: Because he was a cheetah (cheater).

  Q: Where do bees come from?

  A: Sting-apore and Bee-livia.

  Q: Why couldn’t the polar bear get along with the penguin?

  A: They were polar opposites.

  Q: What did the rooster say to the hen?

  A: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

  Q: What did the whale say to the dolphin?

  A: “Long time no sea (see).”

  Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

  A: Ouch!

  Q: What happened when the frog’s car broke down?

  A: It had to be toad away (towed).

  Q: What happens when a cat eats a lemon?

  A: You get a sour-puss.

  Q: How do you communicate with a pig?

  A: Use swine language (sign).

  Q: What do cars and elephants have in common?

  A: They both have trunks.

  Q: What is a whale’s favorite candy?

  A: Blubber gum.

  Q: What is a bat’s motto?

  A: Hang in there!

  Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit and frog?

  A: A bunny ribbit.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a daisy?

  A: A collie-flower.

  Q: What does a cat say when it’s surprised?

  A: “Me-WOW.”

  Q: Why did the parakeet go to the candy store?

  A: To get a tweet.

  Q: What do you have if your dog can’t bark?

  A: A hush puppy.

  Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

  A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels!

  Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a rabbit?

  A: You get hare in your milk.

  Q: Why did the horse keep falling over?

  A: It just wasn’t stable.

  Q: How do fish pay their bills?

  A: With sand dollars.

  Q: Which creatures on Noah’s ark didn’t come in pairs?

  A: The worms—they came in apples.

  Q: How do you shoot a bumblebee?

  A: With a bee-bee gun.

  Q: Why did Fido beat up Rover?

  A: Because Rover was a boxer.

  Q: What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

  A: You get out of the way!

  Q: What kind of animal do you take into battle?

  A: An army-dillo.

  Q: What kind of bird likes to make bread?

  A: The dodo bird (dough-dough).

  Q: What do you get when your dog makes your breakfast?

  A: You get pooched eggs.

  Q: Why did the horse wake up with a headache?

  A: Because at bedtime he hit the hay.

  Q: What do trees and dogs have in common?

  A: They both have bark.

  Q: Why do bumblebees smell so good?

  A: They always wear bee-odorant.

  Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?

  A: A jump rope.

  Q: Why was the Tyrannosaurus rex so boring?

  A: He was a dino-snore.

  Q: What is a frog’s favorite drink?

  A: Croak-a-Cola.

  Q: What is the scariest kind of bug?

  A: A zom-bee (zombie).

  Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

  A: A pouch potato.

  Q: What happened when the sharks raced each other?

  A: They tide (get it . . . they tied).

  Q: Why couldn’t the goats get along?

  A: They kept butting heads.

  Q: What kind of bats are silly?

  A: Ding-bats.

  Q: Why are frogs so happy?

  A: They just eat whatever bugs them!

  Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano?

  A: You can’t tuna fish (tune a fish).

  Q: What did the horse say when he tripped and fell down?

  A: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”

  Q: If people like sandwiches, what do lions like?

  A: Man-wiches.

  Q: When do fireflies get stressed out?

  A: When they need to lighten up!

  Q: Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles?

  A: Because they’re so hard to iron.

  Q: Where did the turtle fill up his gas tank?

  A: At the shell station.

  Q: Why did the pony get sent to his room without supper?

  A: He wouldn’t stop horsing around.

  Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

  A: To show the squirrel it could be done.

  Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

  A: To prove it wasn’t a chicken.

  Q: What do you give a horse with a bad cold?

  A: Cough stirrup.

  Q: Who falls asleep at a bullfight?

  A: A bull-dozer.

  Q: What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?

  A. World hissstory.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a goat and a computer?

  A: A ram.

  Q: What do you call an insect that complains all the time?

  A: A grumble-bee.

  Q: Why were the deer, the chipmunk, and the squirrel laughing so hard?

  A: Because the owl was a hoot!

  Q: Why did the cat and her kittens clean up their mess?

  A: They didn’t want to litter.

  Q: What is a sheep’s favorite kind of food?

  A: Bah-bah-cue.

  Q: What is a hyena’s favorite kind of candy?

  A: A Snickers bar.

  Q: How do sea creatures communicate under water?

  A: With shell phones.

  Q: What do you call a monkey who won’t behave?

  A: A bad-boon.

  Q: What kind of bugs read the dictionary?

  A: Spelling bees.

  Q: What do you call a calf that gets into trouble?

  A: Ground-ed beef.

  Q: What do you call a dinosaur who’s scared all the time?

  A: A nervous rex.

  Q: What do you call a polar bear in Hawaii?

  A: Lost!

  Q: Why was the dog depressed?

  A: Because his life was so ruff.

  Q: What does a rabbit use to fix its fur?

  A: Hare-spray.

 
; Q: What kind of insect is hard to understand?

  A: A mumble-bee.

  Q: Where do you take a hornet when it’s sick?

  A: To the wasp-ital (hospital).

  Q: Who made the fish’s wish come true?

  A: Its fairy cod-mother.

  Q: Where do pigs like to take a nap?

  A: In their ham-mock.

  Q: What do you call a cow that can’t give milk?

  A: A milk dud.

  Q: Why did the chickens get in trouble at school?

  A: They were using fowl language.

  Q: Where does a lizard keep his groceries?

  A: In the refriger-gator.

  Q: Why is talking to cows a waste of time?

  A: Whatever you say goes in one ear and out the udder.

  Q: What do you get if a cow is in an earthquake?

  A: A milkshake.

  Q: How does a farmer count his cattle?

  A: With a cow-culator.

  Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?

  A: Because the cow has the udder one.

  Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?

  A: They go on their bunny-moon.

  Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a cell phone?

  A: A golden receiver.

  Q: Where did the bull take the cow on a date?

  A: To dinner and a mooovie.

  Q: What is the world’s hungriest animal?

  A: A turkey—it just gobble, gobble, gobbles!

  Joe: There were ten cats on a boat and one jumped off. How many were left?